Let’s see hands… who here was a teenage slut. (Mine’s up)
At 15 I learned the wrong lesson about what it was to be a homosexual, to be a sexual being period (this situation applies to all sexual preferences). That was the year I got AOL, and so of course also the year I lost my virginity to a 26 year old – only partially willing. You know what… unless you’re ready, guys, be ready to give birth, because there is no pain as horrible a male can know (and I’ve passed stones). Ladies, well, both literally and figuratively I am sure this also applies.
I was taken to his house, had lied to my parents as to where I was, and so when it went beyond comfort I didn’t quite have the nerve to make him stop. Interestingly enough though, he gave me things… got me drunk, smoked me up, you know, all those deviant behaviors and adult substances which I could not personally get my hands on. So, when he contacted me again, I agreed to let him pick me up once more, but only if he would buy me a six-pack to return home with. Easy enough for a guy his age, and to him well worth having his way with a guy my age. This continued, me upping the price, him always agreeing.
At some point it occurred to me that my body was a hot commodity. Why only use it to get things from one guy, when I could use it get things from numerous men? So I started fulfilling what I suppose was the fantasy of many older men by letting them do to me as they wished, as long as they supplied me with something I wanted. After all, I figured, what was my body but a tool with which to get most anything?
Sometimes I asked for concrete things – money, CDs, etc. but by far I could usually be purchased for some beer and a pack of smokes.
My body wasn’t doing me any good before, why should I pass up the chance at getting something, anything for it?
Well, this went on, and I aged, but other than the fact that those who wanted to give me things for what I had to offer also grew older, it didn’t change much. Soon I started drinking heavily, and so if you could give me $1.50 in change so I could buy a beer on the way home to wash the, well, whatever, away, it was fine with me.
As the men I exchanged favors with grew to know me, they realized I was easier and easier to buy. I understood it perfectly well… after all, in my sick view, I was after all 21… past my prime. I had to take what I could get for my useless, aging, no longer so desired shell which was a hole with a brain attached.
Then, around 23, I began to tell the guys no. It wasn’t because I didn’t want a beer, but more because the idea of sex had become such a cash oriented transaction that my body would no longer perform. I found myself defunct. Couldn’t get it up, couldn’t get things “smooth” enough to not experience pain… I even stopped jerking off, because hell, there was neither a point in me bothering to go to work when I wasn’t getting paid.
You know what… it never came back. Ok, fine, I can deal with having little to no sexual inclination whatsoever. Two other things which I always wanted but now don’t even comprehend are also gone though: the ability to trust when someone says he loves me that it isn’t simply his way of asking for something (because I heard that phrase constantly over the years and nameless, countless guys), and a respect for homosexuals as a whole.
Indeed, you want the source of most of my emotional problems? I hate myself for being gay, not because it’s wrong, but because my brain has well been taught that my kind wants only one thing, and it is the one thing I have come to abhor more than any other – sex.
So that’s the price I paid for wanting to be wanted, and then allowing myself to be taken from because it appear to be the thing “we” did.
I know the older gay guys will try and tell me that this is wrong, but I already know it is… gay guys come in every type anyone else does, and there are the good ones and the bad. I understand, my view has just been set too firmly to allow it to help me change.
No, what I am writing this for is to tell the next generations, in particular young gay guys (who already will have enough to contend against), the ones who may just be finding out that past the ridicules and unpopularity of school that there is a group which seems to very much appreciate them – they don’t appreciate you. I don’t care what they say, what they offer, or how good it makes you feel to finally be wanted… you’ll pay for the mistakes you make now for the rest of your life. Just wait. When you get a little older, find someone within your relative age range, you’ll feel wanted more than anyone could make you feel now. If you train yourself in the wrong way of thinking though, you’ll never be able to understand or return that want, that love.
Stop, think. Stay home, jerk off. There is nothing wrong with who you are… don’t let yourself fall into the trap of the body as a commodity. It isn’t. It’s the most important thing you have. Please do not fuck this up the way I did. Please…
(Please read, all youth...) The Underage Slut, and the Adult Shell of a Human
I really don’t have more to say about this… except for the fact that it must have be a grace of some kind in my favor I at least came out of it HIV negative…
Jaybe
I applaud you….for your honesty, your wise words and for sharing…...
this will apply to many people, gay and straight…..young and older….everyone has a body and everyone can go through this, no matter what sexual preferences they have…....
aspectsoftmk
yeah..my hand was up…...felt these strong words….......i hope too that many will read and see to..
Sally Omar
G—You never fail to amaze me…your honesty is overwhelming…what a brilliant piece…this
not only goes for young gay men or women…but for heterosexuals…you really ROCK, my friend….
Hugs, Sally xxxxxooooo
lolowe
Your story was so painful, but you are telling it to help others and I think that’s such a selfless thing to do. It’s crazy how experiences can stay with you forever…I hope the people who are in this predicament, gay or straight, read this story.
Gregory John O...
Nice to see some honest open discussion. my experiences are nothing on that. Mine was more the sexual preditors in the church, both male and female. I am not gay and have never really doubted my sexuality. Most adolescents, go through a period of experimentation, which I did too. Unfortunately alot get seduced by far older people and end up believing they are gay, long before they have even develpoed their own personality, let alone sexuality.
I know this is not always so, and I am not a homophobe. Unfortunately the seduction and exploitation of the young will continue, and adolescents need to find there own path without being preyed on by adults. They end up having guilt complexes for things that others have imposed on them.
Thanks for sharing this. Leave any guilts you may have behind. They say we choose our own path but sometimes we are not in the position to alter them, especially when we are given the choices without ever asking for them.
Eduardo Gómez ...
older guys always approach to me
incredibly more than the youngers
but i don’t pay much interest in them
great essay, diary, whatever it is keep come with all of your good works merrick justice
Beth Lambert
Wow, very powerful, painful and honest. I don’t know whether I want to throw up or hug you…maybe a bit of both. And yes, what everyone is saying is true…goes for all. I’ll keep you in my heart and hope you find peace. Thank you for sharing your story. From the heart—Beth
flipteez
You bring out the honesty in us all
Intensly real XXXXXXXX
I hope with my heart you heal XXXXXXX
Maggieposh
To Me You Are Just The Best.I have so Much RESPECT For You …............................I love an honest person..Miss p
carolinewood
a friend of mine has and does do the same thing as what you did. he even sucked off the corner shop owner for a pack of smokes! he seems to be enjoying himself being a total slut but he seems to always end up unlucky in love too. thanks for sharing, i’m going to ask him to read this when i see him next…
deliriousgirl
Thank you so much for this!!! it is the one most honest thing I’ve ever read on here and I do applaud your motives and can only hope that the writing process brings you some form of peace.
TeriLee
BRAVO!!!!! I don’t have anything to say that has not already been said…wow!!!
hilarydougill
Wonderfully well written Gordon, and so very brave of you to voice it. Well done you!!! So sorry things didn’t work out, but there is time yet, and if you fall in love with a nice man who treats you right, and loves you in return, I am sure all your problems will resolve themselves. Keep well. hugs Hilary xxx
ManaMoon
Wisdom born of pain…...your experiences have given you a maturity and your caution to others shows your unselfish nature.
There is someone out there for you and if they are worth having then they are worth waiting for
.....Have you wished upon a star, you never know it might work!!!!LOL
mwfoster
wow I’ve board pain in words before but I think your nightmares are worse than mine. Letting poeple know from your experiences is a good start to recovery and time does seem to help. Its been 20 years from I was in the drug wars but it still bugs me sometimes.
Krisso
Wow, these words have left me with nothing to say. Don’t give up on hope, trust me, things change. They really do.
You are an amazing person to be able to share this, I applaud you for that and Thank you.
Daniel Rarela
it’s about time somebody said it, and I’m glad you’re reaching out to the younger gay persons out there, Gordon.
it’s true – I myself don’t think much of the whole ‘gay culture/ community’ thing, mainly because, for most of these guys, they seem to be obsessed with putting their sexuality to the forefront of their identity, as if there’s nothing else to them except the desire for sex. young people (of ALL sexual orientations) need to know that that’s not true, especially at their age when their hormones are raging out of control.
the unfortunate thing with the whole gay stereotype is that not many people in the ‘gay community’ are willing to break it. even the Gay Themed Art/ Writing here on RedBubble just pushes the stereotype further, which was one of the reasons why I was hesitant to join, even when some of the members wanted me to.
but now I see why some were eager – at least if i joined and bared my soul, it’d give people the opportunity to see that not all gay guys think with their dicks.
that being said, you should really submit this journal to the Gay Themed Art/ Writing group on RB – if the gay youth need to hear it, well, I don’t know how young or old all the guys are in that group, but all the same, this is something that definitely deserves their attention.
ditto on what you said in your description – very glad to know you’re not HIV positive as a result of all that! and also, in spite of the consequence of being numbed to sexual pleasure, at least you’re much wiser for it, and can impart whatever you learned from this experience to people who could potentially fall into the same trap
God bless, bro
G's SSN 243477... in reply to Daniel Rarela’s comment
I feel so very much as you do…
As for “Gay etc, etc, group” they were the first I submitted to… and yet the only group yet to accept it (which is oddly painful because Butchart was my first friend here at RB… perhaps the mods are on vacation). Still, that group more than any needs to see… understand the way they can (some can) destroy others, and others can rise above such destruction. I rarely am so adamant about something I write, but as it is the truth, and I feel it still, it must be part of that group… I almost feel every group. It’s time we stop censoring ourselves due pride when all it causes is little deaths within youth, and hatred for who they are.
Juilee Pryor
good one you…... very real and heart felt
anaisnais
Bravo! At last, this ius what our young people need to know about. The downsides of all relationships whatever their orientation and legalities, aside future problems/issues regards health and emotions etc should be put in to pamphlet form and made available for all to read. in my opinion those who are too young to understand such would not comprehend the material or its meanings for it to cause issue. We don’t discuss these things openly enough, they become tabboo almost and that is why these issues esculate! I’m sorry for your past Gordon, but maybe through the sadness of your experiences you can help prevent suffering of others, and through this I believe you will have started a chain of events to help in your own healing emotionally and physically… Thank goodness redbubble allows us to raise awareness as needs be, so that as a unit we can collectively highlight issues and bring positive results aside. Your brevity shows your strength and as such I hope will bring about some change! Kindest thoughts and wishes.
Christopher Bi...
to accept being gay at a young age, means accepting that you have very little in role modeling available. that vacuum is always going to be devastating, keep writing, dont give up on meeting people of substance who happen to be gay. WE exist! please read my essay on having cancer and getting through it with the support of my family and my partner. Not all gay men see sex as a commodity. not all gay men are that shallow. c xx
linaji
Put some art to this so we can keep in this group.. you are such a wonderful voice dearest.. I am sending you a BM re the READING.. GOOD NEWS.. i carry only positive tarot decks.. the negitives are seen as ways to steer thu the muck.. You know if we learn to accept ourselves gay or not.. abused or used.. loved or not..
We will find the acceptance of all things.. even the people that do not have the expansive heart you do.. I love you.
Mike Center
huh, not that I can’t empathize and hurt for your pain, but every girl, woman I know was tempted and parallels your experience. Not saying I justify this behavior, but man to think this is exclusive to gays is a red herring. Do older lesbians seduce young girls? Do older men seduce young girls? Do older women seduce young hot guys with things and money? yes they do and that doesn’t excuse it, but calls for a need to help the young resist. I do know that human sexuality has not evolved as we might expect. Hope you heal and move on…all the best to you. Somehow I know this isn’t the correct response, but I always feel compelled to do what I think is the right thing so if I get kicked off RedBubble so be it.
Anne van Alkemade
Your words will resonate throughout, Gordon. I’m confident of that. I had written more but I think I will send you a bubble.
RoxyLust
hat was incredible and such truth and honesty the emotion is tense
bchrisdesigns
I am gay and think this does a disservice to our community. The reason why “other” people see us the way we do is because of stuff like this. I wish I could applaud your honesty, but I just can’t because it is flawed.
You said you were taught to be that by the gay community? There is no such thing as this. The gay community is what YOU make of it…not what someone else teaches you to make of it. You say 21 is past your prime? That just shows how much you have yet to learn and how naive you are about things.
Yes, I am older (and wiser) and, yes, I will tell you that is not the way it is or has to be. But, if you are too stubborn to stop throwing yourself a pity party, then no one can do anything about it but you. It is what you make of it.
I was young once (I am 31 right now and do not feel old in this community at all). I had my fun. I made mistakes. I had no one to talk to about it or relate to. But you know what? I am tired of seeing so many gay guys going on about how life is so unfair, how they were teased and bullied in school, how they whored themselves out and now there life is miserable and they have no self worth. Oh god, please let me play the world’s smallest violin for ya’ll. None of that ever happened to me. You wanna know why? Because I knew that I had power over it and I was determined to not be a victim of myself or anyone else. Because I took everything I heard, read, saw, and was told about the gay community and threw it out the window and made it what I wanted it to be – not what I was told it was. And I gained a lot of respect from people for that, was never bullied, and have even inspired people to see gay people in a whole new light. And, I still went through my naughty days as you did. I just had a different outlook because I let no one control me. I even met my hubby during that phase.
I once had a gay friend, who had recently come out, ask me to teach him and tell him how to be gay. He wanted to know how the gay community worked, how he was supposed to act, where he was supposed to go, what he was supposed to wear and watch and listen to and say and be. I told him to just be himself, as he was right then. I told him to forget what he heard and to break stereotypes and molds and free himself from a “gay lifestyle” and just live. Maybe that should be the message we are sending out to gay people instead of telling them to not trust what anyone tells them and to be cautious about being gay.
I am not trying to flame you or even bag on you, I am just another gay man who is maybe showing people who read this a different side of the story. It is always noble when someone writes from the heart, as you have done. But, it can do much harm…especially to a community like ours that needs people to support us and not pity us.
Helene Kippert
Raw and real – thank you for your honesty in sharing this piece of your life. I hope the young ones of both genders will listen…
invisible
thank you ! kind regards, andre
Dwayne Boyd
G, this is a hard hitting piece.Using your body for materal gain is a tough way to learn about truth and consequences. Be good to yourself, man! This is a lesson for all.
Tania Rose
Thank you for the courage to have clicked the button to post this on RB. May you find the added courage to send this profound piece out to the greater community. Your pain will not be in vain, and indeed sharing your story, you can aid the greater good. smiles to you.
angelfyre
First off never crossed my mind that you were gay, second I’ve experienced the same pain as a girl… even with guys my own age still at my age I wonder if I’ll ever be seen as a person first woman second or appreciated for my brain not my looks. then i get confused and still destroy myself by using my body as a commodit…for attention. good write G
Elanor Miller
I won’t bore you with my long winded tale of my own undoing, but this hit home hard as I ended up in a very similar situation, it’s taken me years and an amazing partner who supports me and shows me the loving side of a sexual union to help me to allow myself to enjoy myself in the way I hope I should.
The stupid things can set me off though and I still to an extent see sex as a trade, a way of making him happy to make my life better, but realistically if it’s not about making young, it really is about something from each other and the people who say that all women are selling themselves are touching a point, everyone ‘puts out’ occasionally, not for the need, but to keep so and so happy so that they will be happy and we can what we want.
I have no idea when I’ll stop crying if I see his wallet on the nightstand.
saleire
I have only one thing to say about this…..hang the older men who take 15 yr old boys and do this to them!!!!! Preferably by the balls!!!!! Hang in there…...don’t let them take your soul…..and find the love you so deserve…it’s out there!!!
oscarelizondo
What has happened cannot be change, what happens beyond this point can change. Its up to you if you want to change. If you stay the same, then so be it. What is in your heart is something else. You have friends here at redbubble, if you want to make the leap to change, then we will stand with you, however, if you decide to stay the way you are, then we will respect that too. Friend are friends and we are here, because we are straight does not change anything at all. We treat you as an equal, no strings attached, what you decide to do with your private life is your business. Stay the course, whatever you choose. Be brave for the road your taking or leaving. Your total honesty is more bravely done than some cowards that pretend to be so macho’s. Do not be ashame is this is the kind of lively you will be making in your future, but do not be afraid to make changes either. Remember, your friends, I am straight, but it does not make us enemies or do we have to carry hatertism, it’s just a word I made up, but I think you know what I mean. I am a veterean, but a human being first. I don’t have to believe in everything you do, but I can respect that. You should walk, and stand tall because you have more guts than I’ll ever have, and trust me, I’ve been wounded and all. To speak to the masses and know what they are thinking or saying is like standing in front of a machine gun. You don’t know which bullet will, could or may strike you. You don’t khow many bullets will bring you down either boy, you are a bette man for it. You have a great day, and if you trust us as friends, then you know that you can sleep at night and believe that you have become a better person for telling the truth. God bless you and keep you safe.
Crowmanic
Not into the “gay” world myself … been there done that, and thankfully it was a “phase” of neediness way back in another lifetime .. however .. I respect you’re openness and frankness, and also your timely “warning” to others whom may mistake “neediness” with love/affection, with being loved … you’re a brave young man, I know a young man, who is not so young these days, who lived that view of lo0ve ever since he was in his teens, he is a chronic addict, substances, sex, people, men, whatever … he has never been able to “see” the underlying drive or cause for his behaviour, habits and unhealthy and risky life choices … he will burn-out eventually … and I feel he started with a similar approach, using his body, his charm, his beautiful looks and youthfulness to “get what he believed/felt he needed, etc, etc …. he is my son … I love him dearly … your testimony and story reminded me of all this and then some … thank you, and take care … of your Self, all-ways. All the best for the “rest” of your “journey” ...
rmcbuckeye
Wow.. very powerful.
Jennifer Vickers
Bravo….well said. A body should be cherished and using it over and over does take away from it. You become a bit of a hole if not defunct altogether. Luckily I escaped that early enough that the damage was less then it could have been.
Thanks again for voicing this so well.
Barbara Morrison
Gay or not, teenagers are prone to low self esteem and seek approval from older more experienced people. Unfortunately those older more experienced people are very good at manipulation.
CapturedByKylie
I agree 100% with what Barbara has said.
I was in tears by the time i had finished reading this entry of yours. I do not know what to say… i felt like you were writing about me at times- about my life almost 10 years ago… It is only this year, well, the past month or so that i have finally decided to do something with my life…
Merilyn
If this is about you and not fiction I feel so sorry and bad for you. I hope things are better. No one should have to prostitute themselves for items, beer, drugs or even love. Young people need to be warned about sexual exploiters whether gay or straight.
sooloo
If I had known “then” what I know now, would I have done the same things? Probably not, but what I do know for sure is, I had to do all that I did, to become who I am today. When I woke up to the reality of my life and who I had become I then had the opportunity to not only help others with my experiences, but to grow and change.
Life is a gift, full of sadness and joy. At 21 years old you hopefully have many good years of life left in you. You have the gift of life, the gift of experiences that can help others and the gift of feelings and the ability to put them into words…...Good Stuff GMJ, thanks for sharing…......
Hilton Briscoe
I’m a whore, no doubt about it. Luckily I am a whore that hates most people and only really gets in the mood when a certain song I am wanting is played, which means even if I do find a person I might be willing to let fuck me he probably doesn’t have the song I am wanting in his MP3 player. Simply by coincidence Johnny Doom is now playing Ladyhawkes song Magic… which means right now I am a ready to guy, unfortunately there is no guy around, brilliant innit?
But still I am a whore, at the age when I discovered sexuality… well I discovered it before I understood it… I was always playing with myself and watching porn not really knowing what to do(it was straight porn… oh actually my earliest time framed memory is of watching porn on new years day 2000 and playing… I was ten and I was watching some kind of naughty house maid/candid camera show). Then 13 hit me, public changing rooms after swimming, nakedness everywhere… well my playing got more refined. Oh and I got my first crush. Daniel… I think he is a criminal now… I actually heard rumours months ago that he is dead…
Anyway now I am 18, still a virgin(probably will be for a while), I am bored shit of wanking and I honestly don’t think sex is all that worth it. Eh I could do without living, unfortunately god doesn’t have the grace or decency to finish me off… he is probably waiting for just the right moment… he probably plans to have me crushed by a dump truck or something. Oh I know my story is hardly comparable to yours but I was bored…
Anyway I managed to grow and harvest a good lot of veg whilst typing this out… I might go find something else to comment on see who much time that passes by.
wishingonstars
Wierd how me and you probably come from completly diffrent walks but have the same story, well at least the one above. This piece took strength to write and I applaude you for saying it. Many people would not have been able to. You are a rare and strong person, I hope you realize this. May peace find you and be your strength.
ShadowChocobo
I’m younger but I find that this story has really touched me. It’s very moving and I hope others who have read this are influenced to make good desicions. Being 17 I have seen many friends and others sell their bodies so easily to anyone. It’s sad and everything you’ve said is so true. Thanks for sharing such a moving story, I’m sure you’ve influenced many people. I wish the best for you and hope you have a loving future.
-Terri<3>